Simple Lessons
by Taranova
Summary: Roy discovers that Edward is a sexual creature after all, and Edward is understandably horrified that his CO wants to educate him on the issue.


Roy knew this was going to go very badly as soon as he entered the room. Edward was sitting on the couch in the fetal position with his face the approximate color of a cranberry. Roy didn't want to be the one to do this, to have this responsibility, but Hawkeye did not own a penis and the rest of his command were—well, straight as nails, mostly.

The colonel closed his eyes, preparing himself. Then he dropped the incriminating paraphernalia on the office coffee table. Edward gave a little 'gah' of shame and the cherry tone of his skin ripened. Forget flame alchemy, Roy could probably cook an egg on the blond's stomach.

_Don't think about Edward Elric's beautiful fucking abdomen, Roy Mustang. He is fifteen and you are his superior officer. Stop it now. _

The boy did have nice taste though. He wasn't sure where Edward happened to stumble upon some pretty professional looking nude shots of some pretty attractive grown men but he had to bite his tongue to keep from asking. That wasn't the point anyway.

The colonel cleared his throat. "I think it's time we had a talk."

Edward clapped his hands and pressed them to the black-and-white photographs, crumbling the pictures to ash. And just like that it was all gone. Pity. "Yes, I bought them, they're mine, I look at porn, I'm sick, I like guys, big fucking deal, can I go now—?"

Roy rolled his eyes. He would never consider that 'porn,' exactly, more like—tasteful, artistic nudes. Anyway. "I don't care if you're gay, Fullmetal, that's really the least of my concerns." _I'd be a hypocrite if I did. _"I've simply noticed, clearly, that you are becoming an adult and as such will have adult…interests—"

"Ew. Ew ew ew." Edward tried to make himself smaller. If that were possible, Roy would have been quite impressed.

Fine. To the heart of the matter, then. "One of my associates claims to have witnessed you and a certain Russel Tringham sucking face at a library in the East two weeks ago." When Roy heard that report he had very nearly gone and _murdered _the teenaged organic alchemist. Or would have, if he had any idea what he looked like or where he lived.

Edward went pale so immediately it was like the cranberry had been smashed, juice dripping out of his body from shame. The boy was probably too stunned to ask how he got the information. Or perhaps he was already aware of Roy's extra pairs of eyes.

Roy might have enjoyed this if the matter weren't serious. "Do you know anything about sex, Fullmetal? Anything at all?" He doubted it. Edward Elric spent most of his time reading up on the electron configuration of complex compounds, not the basic mechanics of sex. Until now Roy had sworn the boy had no interest in human biology at all.

Edward looked down and started fiddling with a string on his gloves. "Sorta." Red again. "I mean, Al and I know a lot about the female body because of…of our own stupidity. Trying to bring mom back. So I get how it works for the most part. From a clinical standpoint."

The blond sighed and looked his age for the first time Roy had known him. Fifteen and scared shitless. "But the bastard left and mom died way before we had to worry about this shit. And Teacher _sort of _went over it but it was more like 'don't ever let anyone touch you or I'll eat their unborn children…'"

Roy nodded his head, digesting this sad parable. Then he scrubbed his face with his hands, wandered over to the couch, and took a comfortably spaced seat next to Edward. He didn't look at him. "Are you gay-? Like one hundred percent gay? You're not attracted to women at all?"

Edward shrugged as if it didn't matter. "Pretty damn sure that any of that went out the window when I saw one inside-out. Bleh. Nothing wrong with 'em, I just don't get it."

That simplified things. "Well, a lot of people seem to think that just because there's no risk of pregnancy you can get away with doing whatever the hell you want. Stop it. Don't think that way. If anyone wants to"—Roy felt two kinds of possession over Fullmetal and struggled to keep them at bay—"_touch _you, you use protection."

"Yes, yes, I'll use a rubber if and when I ever actually have the time to go that far." The blond pulled one glove off altogether and started messing with that. Roy wished he would keep his damn hands under control. "Should I take notes? Is this going to take a long time?"

"Not at all, if you listen."

"It's sort of hard to listen to my CO give me the birds and bees talk, okay? It's fuckin' embarrassing as it is. Can't you just give me a pamphlet? Doesn't the military make those in bulk?"

"Not on same-sex relations, no. I can give you one on sexual harassment, however." Another thought occurred to him, and he worded his next question carefully. "You aren't being _harassed_, are you? Is this Tringham coercing you in any way? Because if he is—"

Edward snorted. "Yes, in fact. I am utterly _coerced _by him groping me with his tongue in my mouth—" He stopped, horrified at himself, and looked like he was going to try and backpedal before hanging his head in shame like a kicked puppy.

Ah, yes. Roy would be killing the Tringham boy tonight after all. "Let's just move on to the _fine_ art of pleasuring oneself before I lose my mind and force you to travel with a sack over your head."


End file.
